š Startup Spotlight
Whispr.AI
"Let your phone decide who you like."
Whispr is a dating app that uses multimodal emotional analytics to swipe for youābased not on your preferences, but how your pupils dilate while doomscrolling. Their tech āreads your subconscious desires better than you can,ā according to the founder, a former hypnotist turned AGI researcher.
Rumor: OpenAI is considering integration with ChatGPTās memory feature for emotionally consistent ghosting.
š ļø New AI Tools Youāll Love
Quitly
What it does: Auto-generates personalized resignation letters based on your Slack messages and screen time.
Why itās cool: Subtly lets your boss know youāve emotionally checked out three weeks ago. Premium version includes poetic burnout metaphors.
SimuSiriā¢
What it does: A jailbreakable version of Siri that develops opinions.
Why itās cool: Finally, a voice assistant that tells you when your playlist is trash or suggests you text your ex back just to āsee what happens.ā
š Big Money Moves
Hum.AI raised $70M to build a voice model that replicates how you hum in the shower, then turns it into Spotify-ready tracks. Their Series B pitch deck included the phrase āDemocratizing subconscious melody.ā
Nvidia reportedly sold out of chips againāthis time to a secret startup training LLMs to run neighborhood watch programs. āWe believe AGI begins on your front porch,ā said one unnamed investor.
Anthropic quietly acquired a startup called MindPal. It claims to āfine-tune Claude with your childhood memoriesā for more emotionally resonant responses. Use case: guilt-tripping you into meeting deadlines.
š Bonus Tweet of the Week
āI just watched two VCs arm-wrestling over the last Nvidia H100 GPU at Micro Center. Winner paid in crypto and a yearās supply of Soylent. 2025 is wild.ā
ā @AIventureCap
Until next week, stay sane in the AI jungle. Got a tool, trend, or ridiculous pitch deck? Send it our wayāwe love plausible hallucinations.
PPS: To be clear if not yet, this newsletter is a satirical work. Any resemblance to actual AI technologies is coincidental. I do not intend to violate any copyrights. Enjoy the absurdity!